If MLS Teams Were Beer, What Kind of Beer Would They Be? An Investigative Report

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You can always count on the Fuego crew to ask the hard questions. How will Yallop work out as our new coach? Is it morally wrong to TP Andrew Hauptmann’s house? Who should replace Baky Soumare in the back line? Do you think we can get away with just sacrificing a goat to keep Magee with the team, or should we go ahead and sacrifice a dozen virgins, just to be safe? And perhaps the hardest question of all - if all the MLS teams were beer, what kind of beer would they be?

If there’s three things I love, it’s MLS soccer, beer, and time-wasting listicles. I also like making people do things for my own entertainment. A few weeks ago I asked my boyfriend to come up with a list comparing MLS teams to their beer equivalents. This is what he gave me.

You will notice that our definition of “beer” is somewhat flexible. Whatever, we make our own rules here at Fuego de mi Vida.

MLS TEAMS AS BEERS, ACCORDING TO DAN PERKEY, AGE 27:

Chicago Fire -  Goose Island 312, beloved by Chicagoans, but there are questions about ownership.

Columbus Crew - Lite beer, yellow and lacking much substance. You will want to punch things after too much exposure to it.

DC United - PBR, it used to win awards, now is stuck in a crappy dive.

Houston Dynamo - Pumpkin beer, because it’s orange, and only good late in the year.

Montreal Impact - Unibroue. They think they’re soooooo fancy.

New England Revolution - Sam Adams (with football lines). AMERICA BEER PATRIOTISM DRINK IT FOR FREEDOM RAH RAH

New York Red Bulls - Red Bull doesn’t make a beer. Yet. Only consume on-brand products. Bow before the brand. Wished they could make Marquez jump from near space without a chute.

Philadelphia Union - Rolling Rock. Claims really strong ties to PA, but there is a whiff of Jersey.

Sporting Kansas City - Bud Light Platinum, dress it up all you want but it’s still Wiz.

Toronto FC - Molson, it’s Canadian, it’s crappy, but Canadians are still inexplicably proud of it when they clearly have much better products on offer.

Chivas USA - Corona, part Mexican, part American, all suck

Colorado Rapids - $2 pint special at your local, nothing special but it’ll do for the night cause you just really don’t like the alternatives (Cascadia, LA)

FC Dallas - Shiner, from Texas not very good

LA Galaxy - Heineken, huge brand that seems classier because “imports”

Portland Timbers - That weird craft beer you just discovered but your douchey friend is like “Gahhh its been around since like forever you fucking philistine I only drink local or better yet stuff I homebrewed in my basement it’s a fair-trade organic quinoa-based bacon porter”.

Real Salt Lake - O’Douls. N/A beer naturally

San Jose Earthquakes - Some kind of 40oz malt liquor. A little rough around the edges, some might say trashy, and the empty bottles achieve the best velocity when thrown at your own players.

Seattle Sounders - Guinness, It’s a big brand, some love it, some hate it but everyone has an opinion on it.

Vancouver Whitecaps - Stella Artois, not bad, but often overlooked due to larger, shoutier rivals.

NYCFC - Johnny Walker Blue… wait this isn’t beer? Who cares it’s expensive we’ll let it slide.

Orlando - Lion’s Head… kinda self explanatory.

TB Mutiny - Zima, it was only a thing for a small part of the 90s.

Miami Fusion/FC - WHATEVER BECKHAM DRINKS BUY 20 OF THEM FAST!!!